Part of Me That Cares : Ichigo POV
by BlackRoseInc
Summary: Love or work? Ichigo reflects on what went wrong after Orihime left. Short little drabble that took a backseat to my school work. Started this about a year ago, and now just finished it.... Enjoy!


In a world where everything seems so wrong, so imperfect, I don't know why I thought I would be special. Why I thought my life would escape the fucked-upness of the universe, I don't know. I figure I'm a pretty special guy, but even I should've known I'm not that special. I mean, she left me for crying out loud. I didn't think she'd ever leave, but she did, thereby reaffirming the fact that I'm not all that damn special.

This whole thing - my life, my world, my job - is brutal. It tears me apart. It ruins relationships, friendships, promises sanity. For a while, everything was fine. Everything was good, actually. I was happy. She was still with me, happy with me. We loved our lives and hated our jobs and smiled and frowned at the thought of having to intertwine the two. But together, we made it. We made it happen. We made it happily.

But then, she left. She left and then "Ichigo and Orihime" was suddenly a part of history. She left and we stopped being candidates for the next couple of the century or whatever bullshit they tried to pin on us in Soul Society. She left and I stopped being happy. In fact, I was breaking. Broken. Torn. Wallowing in self-pity.

I can't lie and say it was sudden. It had been a long time coming. It was inevitable, really. We all break up. We all get tired. We all get to the point where we get sick of giving and the other one taking. "You gave an inch when I gave a mile." That's what she said. Was it true? That's any body's guess. But it was true to her, which is the only thing that matters, since she's the one that left.

I gave a mile, too. The problem with that? I gave it to my other love. My division. I put everything into my teachings, my subordinates, while she put her all into us. Everyone told me I couldn't do both. I knew it. She knew it better. Like I said, this world I'm destroying the things that matter most. Unintentionally, of course, but it's lethal nonetheless. This world - my world - is the epitome of sadness.

"You killed the part of me that cares." She said that, too. I didn't mean to, and I'm pretty sure she knows that. But then, who does? You know how you have days where everything annoys you? The days where you have to hit something in order to keep from hitting someone. The birds in the trees just refuse to shut. the. hell. up. Time seems a little slower. All of your friends are cunts and you hate your enemies just a little more than you did the day before. Well, somewhere along the line, that became my perpetual state of mind and my guess is that it pushed her away. It killed the part of her that cared.

Do I wish Orihime stayed around and helped me get past that? Yeah. But do I blame her for leaving? Not at all. It wasn't her job. It wasn't her place. No one has the answers that I expect everyone to know. I demanded her to know. She was supposed to be wiser, she was supposed to show me how to make it work. How to make this world - my life - unfucked-up. Because seriously, how does one do it all? How do you make work and love coincide? And if you can't, how do you keep from letting it ruin you anyway?

Because I swear that I try. I laugh and I crack a joke. I make it seem easy. Still, I have to constantly remind myself: Call your girlfriend. Tell her you're in love. But wait! First, you have a mission to do. Make sure your men come back alive, and if you can't do that, at least make sure they die with honor.

But then comes the inevitable. She calls me back, but it's time for bed. I have to remind myself to give a damn and still, I don't. I press mute because there's nothing I can say. I turn the phone off because I'm running out of excuses. Running out of time and space and sanity. So yes, she left, and now I regret the minutes I spent pushing her away for one more hour of sleep. I forgot what was important. It was her, but I forgot to tell her. I was too busy drowning in work.

Who am I to complain? I don't know. I'm me. It was my fault, sure. Orihime gave up her world just to be inches closer to mine. She slowed down her life, while I sped up mine. Thinking I could do it all, not realizing I wasn't doing anything. Not anything for her, anyway.

Still, I bitch and moan when I don't get my way. Then again, I bitch and moan when I do. It makes it easier. It replaces the tears and lessens the pain. It lessens the pain only slightly, but lessens it nonetheless. It passes the time. I'm complaining to myself, so I no longer have to feel alone. The complaining, the bitching and moaning, it makes the day go a little faster, the birds a little quieter. It doesn't bring her back, but it keeps my mind off the fact that she's gone. Not only gone, but she left me, for crying out loud. I didn't think she'd ever leave, but she did, and now, I'm wallowing in sadness, self-pity as it softly kills the part of me that cares.


End file.
